NEW YORK—The Sports Illustrated Sportsman of the Year Award is a crowning life achievement for the player whom it honors, and the award’s announcement is a landmark event highly anticipated by aficionados across the world…
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In his new book Why We Cooperate, Dr. Michael Tomasello writes that 18-month-old infants will attempt to help when they see an unrelated adult…
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LONDON—Analysts are predicting that the $3 billion Sir Richard Branson has pledged for developing energy…
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Onion Radio News - with Doyle Redland
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Former adviser to President Clinton and television host George Stephanopoulos has been offered a job as co-anchor of Good Morning America….
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KARUNCHI, SNAKISTAN–Fritolaysia’s trade blockade has also cut off Snakistan’s commerce with Yumen, Mmmmadagascar, and the Chex Republic.
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BOSTON–Ty Braxton, 23, continues to hide his fun and fulfilling life from the full-time employees of Hale & Dorr, the Boston law firm for which he has temped since July.
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KABUL, AFGHANISTAN—In his first major policy speech since being sworn in for a second term, Afghan president Hamid Karzai made a solemn…
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SEATTLE—”The new device is an improvement over the old device, making it more attractive for purchase by all Americans,” said Thomas Wakefield, a spokesperson for the large conglomerate that manufactures the new device. “The old device is no longer sufficient. Consumers should no longer have any use or longing for the old device.”
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BRISTOL, CT—Despite the clear dominance the Vikings displayed in their definitive 36-10 week 12 victory over the Bears, ESPN analysts compared the teams’ offensive and defensive performances, and scrutinized slow-motion highlights of the game for nearly five minutes during Monday’s broadcast of NFL Live.
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MINNEAPOLIS—A study published Monday in The Journal Of Child Psychology And Psychiatry has concluded that an estimated 98 percent of children under the age of 10 are remorseless sociopaths with little regard for anything other than their own egocentric interests and pleasures.
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I really need you to keep this a secret, okay? You cannot tell another living soul. Really, this is extremely personal, so before we go any…
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Former Family Ties actress Meredith Baxter came out as a lesbian on The Today Show. What do you think?
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SOUTH BEND, IN—Jesus Christ, the Son of God, Savior of All Mankind, and current defensive coordinator at Middle Tennessee State, said Monday…
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WASHINGTON—During an unexpected visit Thursday to an organizational meeting for this year’s White House Christmas party, Vice President Joe…
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Onion Radio News - with Doyle Redland
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WINDERMERE, FL—A spokesman for the Windermere Police Department told reporters Thursday that investigators have gathered enough weird-ass evidence to officially classify Tiger Woods’ recent car accident as pretty fucking strange.
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Panelists discuss whether there is an epidemic among young people today who get stoked over everything from free keychains to tacos.
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WASHINGTON—According to Beltway sources, the recent actions of Sen. Chuck Grassley (R-IA) have severely, and perhaps irrevocably, damaged…
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The public broadcasting mainstay Sesame Street celebrated its 40th anniversary last month. Here are some highlights from…
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WASHINGTON—”This is such an exciting time to be an employer in America,” said Labor Secretary Hilda Solis, adding that every single day 6,500 more citizens join America’s growing possible workforce. “There’s such a massive and diverse pool of job-ready Americans to choose from. And each month the number only gets higher.”
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CATONSVILLE, MD—”What’s a man that age doing near a well to begin with?” said Janice Peters, who spent the day not praying for the safety of the trapped 38-year-old.
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Onion Radio News - with Doyle Redland
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WASHINGTON—With his departure from office only months away, President George W. Bush told reporters Monday that he is “fed up” with the way…
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Onion Radio News - with Doyle Redland
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Onion Radio News - with Doyle Redland
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EAST RUTHERFORD, NJ—A Devin Harris three-point attempt that caromed wildly off the back of the rim during the third quarter of Wednesday night’s New York Knicks—New Jersey Nets game has created a disruption involving the entire NBA,…
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DALLAS—Dallas head coach Wade Phillips speculated Wednesday that if recent history is any indicator, Jerry Jones is “almost certainly”…
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Illinois Gov. Rod Blagojevich was arrested Tuesday on corruption charges stemming from an alleged conspiracy to sell or trade the Senate seat left…
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HOPATCONG, NJ—A lie told to 28-year-old Kyle Bida to cover up a surprise birthday party to be held in his honor later this evening sounds a…
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Onion Radio News - with Doyle Redland
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CHARLOTTE, NC—Coworkers knew James Atkins had become a virtuoso of business jargon when he asked the group to participate in a “targeted brainstorm by EOD.”
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In an effort to stem organized crime, Amsterdam announced that it would be closing many of its brothels and marijuana-friendly cafes. What do…
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LAKEVILLE, MA—The nation’s leading cranberry juice producers announced Monday that they are banking on a record number of Americans…
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SEDONA, AZ—After procrastinating for several hours by watching It’s A Wonderful Life and old John Wayne movies, former Republican…
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Onion Radio News - with Doyle Redland
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Onion Radio News - with Doyle Redland
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