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Archive for the 'Humor' Category

22.06.10 » Opinion: My Old Nemesis…So We Meet Again (by Gorzo The Mighty)

Aha. There was indeed an explanation for shipboard oxygen consumption exceeding projections by a fraction of a percent: It seems a parasite has stowed away upon my Royal luxury vessel!

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22.06.10 » Tiger Woods Begins Sobbing Uncontrollably On 5th Hole Of U.S. Open

PEBBLE BEACH, CA—Overcome by problems in his personal life, an inability to get his golf game in order, and his foundering public image, Tiger Woods broke out into uncontrollable sobs on the fifth tee of the U.S.

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22.06.10 » [video] USDA Recalls 96,000 Pounds Of Tainted Beef From One Family

Officials say a positive E. coli test prompted the recall, affecting the Wharton family’s stores of ground beef, beef chuck, and rump roast.

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22.06.10 » Letters To The Editor: Emasculated

Dear The Onion,
How do you know if you’ve been emasculated? My mom says I am but I’m not sure.
Skip Hannigan, Gainesville, FL

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22.06.10 » [video] In Focus: U.S. To Trade Gold Reserves For Cash Through Cash4Gold.com

Treasury officials say the gold has just been in the bottom of some vaults at the US Bullion Depository anyway, and the government needs the money NOW.

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22.06.10 » American Voices: Amanda Bynes Retires At 24

Actress Amanda Bynes, star of such films as She’s The Man, announced on her Twitter feed that she would retire from acting.

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22.06.10 » Suffering Blue Whales Plead With Environmentalists To Let Them Go Extinct Already

NORTH PACIFIC OCEAN—"We really appreciate all you’ve done for us, but now you need to let us die," intoned a 170-ton blue whale through a series of deep and mournful vocalizations. "I swallowed two plastic coolers, a tire, and about a hundred gallons of oil this morning. Is that any way to live?"

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22.06.10 » Tic-Tac-Toe Grandmaster Devises Brilliant New Gambit

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22.06.10 » Experts Say Breakfast Now Sixth Most Important Meal Of The Day

WASHINGTON—A new report from the Food and Drug Administration has found that breakfast, once considered the most important meal of the day, has now slipped to sixth place, below brunch and just above midnight snack.

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22.06.10 » American Voices: Poll: More Muslims Distrust Obama

A survey from the Pew Research Center found President Obama’s popularity was slipping among Muslims worldwide.

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22.06.10 » Vikings Not Going To Tinker With Way Adrian Peterson Fumbles Ball

MINNEAPOLIS—In an effort to preserve the running back’s aggressive fumbling style, Vikings coach Brad Childress announced Monday that the training staff would not attempt to alter Adrian Peterson’s two-point technique for loosely carrying the footba…

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22.06.10 » In Focus: Friend Buys Computer Just Like That

KANSAS CITY, MO—Account executive Jeremy Trask, 33, entered a local Best Buy Sunday, shopped for approximately 20 minutes, and bought a brand-new laptop computer right off the shelf, “like it was a bag of pretzels,” Trask’s friend Paul Cheng said Monday.

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22.06.10 » In Focus: Byzantine Empire Will Fall To Turks, Historian Warns

ITHACA, NY—The Byzantine Empire, the Eastern continuation of the Roman Empire, is in grave danger and will soon fall to united armies of Ottoman Turks, Cornell University history professor Wallace Schroeder warned Monday.

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22.06.10 » Fan On The Street: On NCAA Conference Realignment:

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22.06.10 » Phil Mickelson Reluctantly Uses Golf Club Kids Made For Father’s Day Present

PEBBLE BEACH, CA—In an effort to show appreciation for his Father’s Day gift, Phil Mickelson, participating in the final round of the U.S.

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22.06.10 » Sportsgraphic: USC’s Rules Violations

The NCAA says Reggie Bush took cash while playing for the Trojans, but that was hardly the only thing that came to light during its investigation of USC.

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22.06.10 » Eons Of Darwinian Evolution Somehow Produce Mitch

ALBUQUERQUE, NM—The process of evolution, through which single-celled organisms slowly developed over billions of years into exponentially more sophisticated forms of life, has inexplicably culminated in local Albuquerque resident Mitch Szabo, leading evolutionary biologists reported Monday.

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22.06.10 » Toaster Really Hitting Its Stride Recently

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22.06.10 » In Focus: $18 Payment To Sponsored Child Withheld To Teach Child A Lesson

FAIRFAX, VA&mdashSave-A-Child father Gene Anderson says Mtumbe needs to learn to save for his future and not spend money on every childish little whim.

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22.06.10 » Your Horoscopes - Week Of June 22, 2010

Aries While it’s true that love has no boundaries, no limits, and no rules, your court-appointed restraining order has all three.Taurus Avoid making any important decisions this week. And, come to think of it, next week…

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22.06.10 » Elena Kagan Asked Straight Up: ‘You Got What It Takes?’

WASHINGTON—Saying they didn’t want to waste any more time dicking around, members of the U.S.

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22.06.10 » ‘Totally Worth It,’ Claims Grown Man Limping Off Softball Field

VERONA, WI—Though he knew before his office’s team took the field that his aging, out-of-shape body was at risk of physical injury, limping Affiliated Bank loan and trust officer Robert Newson, 48, told reporters Sunday that a muscle-pull, combined …

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7.12.09 » Sports: Sports Illustrated Sportsman Of The Year Award Important, Sports Illustrated Reports

NEW YORK—The Sports Illustrated Sportsman of the Year Award is a crowning life achievement for the player whom it honors, and the award’s announcement is a landmark event highly anticipated by aficionados across the world…

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7.12.09 » Humans Biologically Disposed To Help

In his new book Why We Cooperate, Dr. Michael Tomasello writes that 18-month-old infants will attempt to help when they see an unrelated adult…

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7.12.09 » In Focus: Richard Branson’s Global-Warming Donation Nearly As Much As Cost Of Failed Balloon Trips

LONDON—Analysts are predicting that the $3 billion Sir  Richard Branson has pledged for developing energy…

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7.12.09 » [audio] President Obama Frustrated By Repairs To Dirt Bike One

Onion Radio News - with Doyle Redland

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7.12.09 » George Stephanopoulos Offered ‘Good Morning America’ Job

Former adviser to President Clinton and television host George Stephanopoulos has been offered a job as co-anchor of Good Morning America….

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7.12.09 » Sports: Fired Charlie Weis Cleans Out His Desk

News In Photos

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7.12.09 » In Focus: Fritolaysia Cuts Off Chiplomatic Relations With Snakistan

KARUNCHI, SNAKISTAN–Fritolaysia’s trade blockade has also cut off Snakistan’s commerce with Yumen, Mmmmadagascar, and the Chex Republic.

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7.12.09 » In Focus: Temp Hides Fun, Fulfilling Life From Rest Of Office

BOSTON–Ty Braxton, 23, continues to hide his fun and fulfilling life from the full-time employees of Hale & Dorr, the Boston law firm for which he has temped since July.

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7.12.09 » Where Are We Going For Our Anniversary?

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7.12.09 » Karzai Vows To Crack Down On Self

KABUL, AFGHANISTAN—In his first major policy speech since being sworn in for a second term, Afghan president Hamid Karzai made a solemn…

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7.12.09 » New Device Desirable, Old Device Undesirable

SEATTLE—”The new device is an improvement over the old device, making it more attractive for purchase by all Americans,” said Thomas Wakefield, a spokesperson for the large conglomerate that manufactures the new device. “The old device is no longer sufficient. Consumers should no longer have any use or longing for the old device.”

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7.12.09 » Sports: 36-10 Game Analyzed

BRISTOL, CT—Despite the clear dominance the Vikings displayed in their definitive 36-10 week 12 victory over the Bears, ESPN analysts compared the teams’ offensive and defensive performances, and scrutinized slow-motion highlights of the game for nearly five minutes during Monday’s broadcast of NFL Live.

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7.12.09 » New Study Reveals Most Children Unrepentant Sociopaths

MINNEAPOLIS—A study published Monday in The Journal Of Child Psychology And Psychiatry has concluded that an estimated 98 percent of children under the age of 10 are remorseless sociopaths with little regard for anything other than their own egocentric interests and pleasures.

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7.12.09 » Opinion: Promise Me You’ll Never Tell Anybody This Unless You Get Uncomfortable And Need Something To Talk About (by Douglas Falen)

I really need you to keep this a secret, okay? You cannot tell another living soul. Really, this is extremely personal, so before we go any…

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