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Archive for the 'Humor' Category

7.12.09 » Sports: Sports Illustrated Sportsman Of The Year Award Important, Sports Illustrated Reports

NEW YORK—The Sports Illustrated Sportsman of the Year Award is a crowning life achievement for the player whom it honors, and the award’s announcement is a landmark event highly anticipated by aficionados across the world…

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7.12.09 » Humans Biologically Disposed To Help

In his new book Why We Cooperate, Dr. Michael Tomasello writes that 18-month-old infants will attempt to help when they see an unrelated adult…

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7.12.09 » In Focus: Richard Branson’s Global-Warming Donation Nearly As Much As Cost Of Failed Balloon Trips

LONDON—Analysts are predicting that the $3 billion Sir  Richard Branson has pledged for developing energy…

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7.12.09 » [audio] President Obama Frustrated By Repairs To Dirt Bike One

Onion Radio News - with Doyle Redland

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7.12.09 » George Stephanopoulos Offered ‘Good Morning America’ Job

Former adviser to President Clinton and television host George Stephanopoulos has been offered a job as co-anchor of Good Morning America….

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7.12.09 » Sports: Fired Charlie Weis Cleans Out His Desk

News In Photos

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7.12.09 » In Focus: Fritolaysia Cuts Off Chiplomatic Relations With Snakistan

KARUNCHI, SNAKISTAN–Fritolaysia’s trade blockade has also cut off Snakistan’s commerce with Yumen, Mmmmadagascar, and the Chex Republic.

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7.12.09 » In Focus: Temp Hides Fun, Fulfilling Life From Rest Of Office

BOSTON–Ty Braxton, 23, continues to hide his fun and fulfilling life from the full-time employees of Hale & Dorr, the Boston law firm for which he has temped since July.

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7.12.09 » Where Are We Going For Our Anniversary?

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7.12.09 » Karzai Vows To Crack Down On Self

KABUL, AFGHANISTAN—In his first major policy speech since being sworn in for a second term, Afghan president Hamid Karzai made a solemn…

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7.12.09 » New Device Desirable, Old Device Undesirable

SEATTLE—”The new device is an improvement over the old device, making it more attractive for purchase by all Americans,” said Thomas Wakefield, a spokesperson for the large conglomerate that manufactures the new device. “The old device is no longer sufficient. Consumers should no longer have any use or longing for the old device.”

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7.12.09 » Sports: 36-10 Game Analyzed

BRISTOL, CT—Despite the clear dominance the Vikings displayed in their definitive 36-10 week 12 victory over the Bears, ESPN analysts compared the teams’ offensive and defensive performances, and scrutinized slow-motion highlights of the game for nearly five minutes during Monday’s broadcast of NFL Live.

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7.12.09 » New Study Reveals Most Children Unrepentant Sociopaths

MINNEAPOLIS—A study published Monday in The Journal Of Child Psychology And Psychiatry has concluded that an estimated 98 percent of children under the age of 10 are remorseless sociopaths with little regard for anything other than their own egocentric interests and pleasures.

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7.12.09 » Opinion: Promise Me You’ll Never Tell Anybody This Unless You Get Uncomfortable And Need Something To Talk About (by Douglas Falen)

I really need you to keep this a secret, okay? You cannot tell another living soul. Really, this is extremely personal, so before we go any…

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7.12.09 » Meredith Baxter Comes Out

Former Family Ties actress Meredith Baxter came out as a lesbian on The Today Show. What do you think?

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7.12.09 » Sports: Christ Turns Down 3-Year, Multimillion Dollar Deal To Coach Notre Dame

SOUTH BEND, IN—Jesus Christ, the Son of God, Savior of All Mankind, and current defensive coordinator at Middle Tennessee State, said Monday…

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7.12.09 » Biden Winks After Offering To Buy Eggnog For White House Christmas Party

WASHINGTON—During an unexpected visit Thursday to an organizational meeting for this year’s White House Christmas party, Vice President Joe…

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7.12.09 » [audio] Church Canceled Due To Lack Of God

Onion Radio News - with Doyle Redland

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7.12.09 » Sports: Investigators Still Piecing Together Weird-Ass Clues In Fucked-Up Tiger Woods Crash

WINDERMERE, FL—A spokesman for the Windermere Police Department told reporters Thursday that investigators have gathered enough weird-ass evidence to officially classify Tiger Woods’ recent car accident as pretty fucking strange.

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7.12.09 » [video] Report: Most College Males Admit To Regularly Getting Stoked

Panelists discuss whether there is an epidemic among young people today who get stoked over everything from free keychains to tacos.

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7.12.09 » Senator Chuck Grassley Hurting GOP’s Chances With Women At Bars

WASHINGTON—According to Beltway sources, the recent actions of Sen. Chuck Grassley (R-IA) have severely, and perhaps irrevocably, damaged…

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7.12.09 » ‘Sesame Street’ Turns 40

The public broadcasting mainstay Sesame Street celebrated its 40th anniversary last month. Here are some highlights from…

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7.12.09 » Labor Dept: Available Labor Rate Increases To 10.2%

WASHINGTON—”This is such an exciting time to be an employer in America,” said Labor Secretary Hilda Solis, adding that every single day 6,500 more citizens join America’s growing possible workforce. “There’s such a massive and diverse pool of job-ready Americans to choose from. And each month the number only gets higher.”

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15.12.08 » Town Fails To Rally Around Adult Trapped In Well

CATONSVILLE, MD—”What’s a man that age doing near a well to begin with?” said Janice Peters, who spent the day not praying for the safety of the trapped 38-year-old.
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15.12.08 » [audio] New Hubble Peephole Can See Into Women’s Showers

Onion Radio News - with Doyle Redland
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15.12.08 » Bush Frustrated By Mother’s Constant Questioning Of His Plans Post-White House

WASHINGTON—With his departure from office only months away, President George W. Bush told reporters Monday that he is “fed up” with the way…
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15.12.08 » [audio] CIA’s Plot To Wait Out Fidel Castro’s Regime Comes To Fruition

Onion Radio News - with Doyle Redland
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13.12.08 » [audio] Attempted Murderer Gave It His Best Shot

Onion Radio News - with Doyle Redland
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12.12.08 » Loose Ball Evades Entire NBA

EAST RUTHERFORD, NJ—A Devin Harris three-point attempt that caromed wildly off the back of the rim during the third quarter of Wednesday night’s New York Knicks—New Jersey Nets game has created a disruption involving the entire NBA,…
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12.12.08 » Jerry Jones Probably Thinking About Signing Michael Vick

DALLAS—Dallas head coach Wade Phillips speculated Wednesday that if recent history is any indicator, Jerry Jones is “almost certainly”…
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12.12.08 » Illinois Governor Arrested

Illinois Gov. Rod Blagojevich was arrested Tuesday on corruption charges stemming from an alleged conspiracy to sell or trade the Senate seat left…
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12.12.08 » Lie To Cover Surprise Party Sounds More Fun Than Surprise Party

HOPATCONG, NJ—A lie told to 28-year-old Kyle Bida to cover up a surprise birthday party to be held in his honor later this evening sounds a…
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12.12.08 » [audio] Saudi Arabia Extends Equal Rights To Bearded Ladies

Onion Radio News - with Doyle Redland
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12.12.08 » Manager Achieves Full Mastery Of Pointless Managerial Jargon

CHARLOTTE, NC—Coworkers knew James Atkins had become a virtuoso of business jargon when he asked the group to participate in a “targeted brainstorm by EOD.”
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12.12.08 » Amsterdam To Shutter Some Coffee Shops, Brothels

In an effort to stem organized crime, Amsterdam announced that it would be closing many of its brothels and marijuana-friendly cafes. What do…
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12.12.08 » Cranberry Juice Industry Hoping 2009 A Big Year For Urinary Tract Infections

LAKEVILLE, MA—The nation’s leading cranberry juice producers announced Monday that they are banking on a record number of Americans…
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12.12.08 » McCain Stares At Screen, Attempts To Write Family Christmas Letter

SEDONA, AZ—After procrastinating for several hours by watching It’s A Wonderful Life and old John Wayne movies, former Republican…
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12.12.08 » [audio] Visiting Priest Shows Family How Grace Is Done

Onion Radio News - with Doyle Redland
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10.12.08 » [audio] Bush Picks Laser Background For Presidential Portrait

Onion Radio News - with Doyle Redland
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