iSoftNews Technical News

Louisville Overcomes Early First-Round Loss To Advance To Elite Eight

Filed under: Humor — webmaster March 28, 2011 @ 3:03 pm

SAN ANTONIO—After a slow start last Thursday in which they were upset in the first round by 13-seed Morehead State, the Louisville Cardinals have come roaring back in the NCAA Tournament, putting together several dominating performances and advancin…


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[audio] Plan ‘L’ Switched To

Filed under: Humor — webmaster @ 3:03 pm


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Criminal Case Of ‘USA v. Steroid-Using Liar Barry Bonds’ Begins

Filed under: Humor — webmaster @ 3:03 pm

SAN FRANCISCO—Barry Bonds, the San Francisco Giants outfielder who in 2007 capped his 22-year baseball career by becoming the MLB’s all-time home run leader, arrived in Courtroom 10 of the Phillip Burton Federal Courthouse at 8 a.m. Monday to appear in Case No. 3:07-cr-00732-SI, USA v. Steroid-Using Liar Barry Bonds.


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Visiting Friend Okay Doing Whatever

Filed under: Humor — webmaster @ 3:03 pm

SAN FRANCISCO—Minutes after arriving at Scott Clark’s apartment Friday, college friend Marc Karam, 26, announced that he didn’t really have any plans in mind for his visit, and that he would be fine doing pretty much whatever this weekend.


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Editorial Cartoon: March 28, 2011

Filed under: Humor — webmaster @ 3:03 pm


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Slideshow: The Week In Pictures

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Sportsgraphic: 2011 NCAA Tournament Highlights So Far

Filed under: Humor — webmaster @ 2:03 pm

The first two rounds of March Madness provided more than their share of great drama. Here are the moments that will live on long after the tournament is over.


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Negative Comments About Big East Fail To Affect Anybody, Anything

Filed under: Humor — webmaster @ 2:03 pm

NEW YORK—A recent outpouring of negative criticism levied against the Big East for the conference’s poor showing in the NCAA Tournament has had absolutely no affect on anyone or anything, and will reportedly continue to have zero effect on the world…


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American Voices: Earliest Americans’ Traces Found In Texas

Filed under: Humor — webmaster @ 2:03 pm

Stone tools recently uncovered in a Texas creek valley were found to be 15,500 years old, making them the earliest known artifacts of what may have been the very first Americans.


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Even Newt Gingrich A Little Depressed By Prospect Of Him Running For President

Filed under: Humor — webmaster @ 2:03 pm

WASHINGTON—Expressing a reaction similar to millions of other dismayed Americans, Newt Gingrich admitted Monday that he too was feeling "pretty bummed out" about the prospect of a Newt Gingrich presidential campaign.


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Mets Release Mets

Filed under: Humor — webmaster @ 2:03 pm

PORT ST. LUCIE, Fla—In an attempt to move the organization into a new era, the New York Mets announced Friday they will part ways with the New York Mets, releasing all 40 of its roster players and its entire farm system.


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Car Blake Griffin Dunked Over Exacts Bloody Revenge

Filed under: Humor — webmaster @ 2:03 pm


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NYTimes.com’s Plan To Charge People Money For Consuming Goods, Services Called Bold Business Move

Filed under: Humor — webmaster @ 1:03 pm

NEW YORK—In a move that media executives, economic forecasters, and business analysts alike are calling "extremely bold," NYTimes.com put into place a groundbreaking new business model today in which the news website will charge people money t…


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Laid-Back Voices Urging Man To Kill His Family When He Gets A Chance

Filed under: Humor — webmaster @ 1:03 pm

CLAYTON, MO—According to easygoing voices inside the head of local man Tom Kepler, 39, the husband and father of three should maybe consider murdering his whole family when he has a minute, if it isn’t too much trouble.


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Fan On The Street: On Fan Voting For The Cover Of ‘Madden 12′

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Millionaire Pays For Breast Implants For Rolls Royce Hood Ornament

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Magazine: Our Exclusive Nude Pictorial Of The Cars Of NASCAR

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American Voices: Report: Anthrax Attacks Could Have Been Prevented

Filed under: Humor — webmaster @ 1:03 pm

According to psychiatric records, the scientist believed to have been responsible for five anthrax-by-mail deaths in 2001 had numerous psychological issues, including an obsession with a sorority.


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In Freak Accident, 34 Katherine Heigl Films Released At Once

Filed under: Humor — webmaster @ 1:03 pm

The nation is still reeling from accident at Sony Pictures which unleashed dozens of films starring the irritating actress on an unsuspecting public.


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Science Confirms Men and Women Never Meant To Be More Than Friends

Filed under: Humor — webmaster @ 1:03 pm

UPSALA, SWEDEN—In a shocking reversal of thousands of years of thinking on human reproduction, researchers at the Swedish Collegium for Advanced Study in the Social Sciences announced Monday that sexual contact is a genetic accident, and men and wom…


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[video] In Focus: Boy’s Tragic Death Could Have Happened To Any Family With 20-Foot Pet Python

Filed under: Humor — webmaster @ 12:03 pm

Rich and Lisa Shaw say there were no warning signs that their 300-pound Burmese Python would crush and eat their 3 year old son.


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Letters To The Editor: Diet Section

Filed under: Humor — webmaster @ 12:03 pm

Dear The Onion,
In last week’s Diet section, you recommended eating bananas, but you didn’t say what time of day. I will await your response, but keep in mind my bananas are rotting.
Lisa Bencin, High Point, NC


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Damaged Women Stage Drunken 2 a.m. March On Washington

Filed under: Humor — webmaster @ 12:03 pm

The Damaged Women’s Coalition angrily marched on the capitol this afternoon before returning later drunk and crying.


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Report: At Least 14 Different Types Of Animals Crawl On You While You Sleep

Filed under: Humor — webmaster @ 12:03 pm

SAN DIEGO—A study conducted at the University of San Diego found that during an average night’s sleep, at least 14 different animals, ranging from ants to Gila monsters to wounded possums, are likely to scurry, slither, or crawl across a slumbering …


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Slow-Thinking Bystander Weighing Pros And Cons Of Pulling Man Out Of River

Filed under: Humor — webmaster @ 11:03 am

LA CROSSE, WI—Proceeding with great deliberation, bystander Albert Preston carefully considered every possible option Thursday while attempting to discern the best way to respond to the plight of a man who appeared to be drowning in the nearby Black…


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Magazine: How To Get Your Premature Babies Into The Best Incubators

Filed under: Humor — webmaster March 20, 2011 @ 4:03 pm


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Exhausted Studio Has Done All It Can In Terms Of Building Excitement For ‘The Lincoln Lawyer’

Filed under: Humor — webmaster @ 4:03 pm

LOS ANGELES—"Profoundly fatigued" executives at Lionsgate Films announced Thursday that they are completely out of ideas in terms of how to promote the Matthew McConaughey legal thriller The Lincoln Lawyer, saying they have been wor…


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Office Pool’s Low Number Of Bracket Printouts A Reminder Of How Many Employees Were Laid Off Last Year

Filed under: Humor — webmaster @ 4:03 pm

COLUMBUS, OH—Employees at Take 5 Media said the smaller-than-usual stack of brackets printed out Wednesday for this year’s NCAA basketball tournament served as a stark reminder of just how many workers have been laid off from the design firm over th…


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Nuclear Energy Advocates Insist U.S. Reactors Completely Safe Unless Something Bad Happens

Filed under: Humor — webmaster @ 4:03 pm

WASHINGTON—Responding to the ongoing nuclear crisis in Japan, officials from the Nuclear Regulatory Commission sought Thursday to reassure nervous Americans that U.S.


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Johan Santana Denies Reports He Will Miss Season, Waits 2 Seconds, Confirms Reports

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[audio] New Mistress Seems To Be Good For Area Man

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Statshot: How Are We Extending The Life Of Our Car?

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In Focus: Irish-Americans Gear Up For ‘The Reinforcin’ O’ The Stereotypes’

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‘I Make My Own Hours,’ Says Man About To Get Fired

Filed under: Humor — webmaster @ 3:03 pm

NEW YORK—Marketing associate Jack Hilliard has carved out a pretty nice little setup wherein he has the freedom to make his own hours and come and go to work as he pleases, the 41-year-old who is on the verge of losing his job told reporters Monday.


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American Voices: CIA Contractor Released With Blood Money Payment

Filed under: Humor — webmaster @ 3:03 pm

Raymond Davis, a CIA security contractor employed in Pakistan and held captive for killing two men, was freed after the victims’ families were paid around $2.3 million.


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Study: Every 10 Seconds A Skyscraper Window Washer Falls To His Death

Filed under: Humor — webmaster @ 2:03 pm

NEW YORK—A study released Monday by the Department of Labor found that every 10 seconds, on average, a window washer somewhere in the United States accidentally plummets to his or her death.


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Infographic: Representative King’s Muslim Hearings

Filed under: Humor — webmaster @ 2:03 pm

Last week, Rep. Peter King (R-NY) held a controversial hearing entitled "The Extent of Radicalization in the American Muslim Community and that Community’s Response." Here’s some of the information that came out of testimonies given there.


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Microsoft Word Now Includes Squiggly Blue Line To Alert Writer When Word Is Too Advanced For Mainstream Audience

Filed under: Humor — webmaster @ 2:03 pm


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American Voices: Millionaires: It Takes $7.5 Million To Be Rich

Filed under: Humor — webmaster @ 2:03 pm

In a recent survey, 42 percent of millionaires said they didn’t feel rich and would need assets of around $7.5 million or more to feel wealthy.


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Incredibly Hip NCAA Counter-Committee Ranks Field Of 64 Teams You’ve Never Heard Of

Filed under: Humor — webmaster @ 2:03 pm

BROOKLYN, NY—Touting it as perhaps their most daring yet nuanced field to date, the NCAA’s hip, trendsetting counter-committee released its bracket of 64 obscure alternative tournament teams Monday.


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