The CIA’s invention of Facebook has saved the government millions of dollars.

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A surprise show by the Flaming Lips in 2006 has been hailed as one of the top music-festival highlights of all time. Here are some other SXSW moments that have made history.

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Being a No. 1 seed in the NCAA Tournament doesn’t guarantee a Final Four berth, but it does automatically make your team the subject of in-depth analysis. Here are how the top four teams stack up.

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KETTERING, OH—A comprehensive digital cataloging system that keeps track of its customers’ car maintenance history, oil-change needs, and past fuel-filter replacements puts Karl’s Lube & Go’s computerized record- keeping an estimated six years a…

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FORT WAYNE, IN—According to local computer programmer and Keira Knightley fan Tom Hayes, 38, the internationally known English film actress and model responded "much too fast" to the letter he sent just a few days ago.

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OXFORD, U.K.—Editors of the Oxford English Dictionary announced Tuesday their plans to include the words "Skype" and "coat" in their most recent update of the authoritative reference work.

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SOMERVILLE, MA—According to the residents of 117 Maple St., Unit No. 2, literally every appliance, fixture, surface, and structural feature in their apartment is defective to some degree.

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The multi-talented UConn guard comes into the NCAA Tournament riding perhaps the hottest streak in recent NCAA history. Is he any good?

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Doctors in the state will now be able to act like they’ve just given a woman an abortion and send her on her way.

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The gregarious Spurs forward is making waves by claiming to have built supportive, meaningful friendships with more than 10,000 women in his NBA career.

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Following the discovery that the real President Obama was kidnapped and replaced by a weak-willed impostor, many citizens are saying they would rather keep the fake Obama in office since the nation is already used to him.

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Congress has deemed yelling and screaming as the nation’s official mode of communication.

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It has now been 48 hours since an explosion ripped through the massive GoldenMade corn syrup factory in Leon, Iowa and sent over a million gallons of high fructose corn syrup spilling into the surrounding environment.

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GOLDSBORO, NC—Friends, classmates, and loved ones gathered last night at a memorial service in the Westside High School gymnasium to celebrate the life of 17-year-old Brooke Belzer, who, before she died tragically in a car accident last week, was beloved for her bright personality and for giving easily the best hand jobs in the school.

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In order to cut budgets, some states are switching to a "one teacher per school" plan which will increase average class sizes to 1,000 students.

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This blog entry is reprinted with permission from the Department of Health and Human Services. Studies show an individual with a BMI of more than 30 needs six shots of premium grade vodka to feel even mildly buzzed, whereas someone with a BMI betwe…

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FERNDALE, MI—After a storied three-month career as the starting running back, the third-string safety, and, when Billy’s grandfather died, the punter for peewee football’s Ferndale Jets, Jacob Banks, 10, announced Saturday afternoon he was retiring …

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Earlier today the LAPD made public these images of pages from Michael Bay’s personal notebooks, which contain blueprints for Mr.

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This gargantuan hippie has gone from John Wooden’s great UCLA teams to the NBA to the commentary booth and has been a remarkable figure in all of them. But was he any good?

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ATLANTA—Sources from within the Atlanta Thrashers organization indicated Thursday that the team currently ranks 11th in the Eastern Conference standings with a record of 27-28-11.

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KANDAHAR, AFGHANISTAN—After U.S. Marines secured several government centers, markets, and fuel depots in Kandahar Tuesday, the Pentagon announced that the Afghan city had been liberated from the Taliban until the inevitable withdrawal of U.S.

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BALTIMORE—Neurologists at Johns Hopkins University confirmed Monday they remain completely baffled by Rockville, MD resident Erik Collins, a man who possesses an extraordinary and previously undocumented ability to fuck everything up.

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BRISTOL, CT—Though they first pointed a camera at the NFL writer more than 15 years ago as a prank, producers at ESPN still cannot bear to tell John Clayton they have never actually put him on television.

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Critics are buzzing about Michael Bay’s horrific attack on Los Angeles International Airport. How would you rate it?

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Dating standards have been lowered for the first time in decades, bringing millions of previously unacceptable mates onto the market.

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HAMPSTEAD, NH—In his 36 years of life, Gary Widmer’s greatest contribution to humanity has been not causing any fatalities while behind the wheel, sources close to the Hampstead man confirmed Thursday.

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In an interview with FHM magazine, Phil Collins announced his retirement from music. What do you think?

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As the playoffs begin, Onion Sports offers an analysis of each team’s chances to win it all.

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WASHINGTON—In an effort to boost the economy and promote job growth, representatives from the newly revived Works Progress Administration announced Thursday their plan to dismantle, piece by piece, the 3.25 million cubic yards of concrete forming th…

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SAN ANTONIO—Spurs center Tim Duncan held a press conference Monday to unveil the newest style in the Florsheim catalog, called simply "the Duncan." "We really tried to capture the classic styling of the Tilden, paired with the ease an…

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WASHINGTON—In a stunning disclosure this week, congressional sources revealed that the acrimonious gridlock in the U.S. Senate traces its origins to a single November evening in 1986, when Sen. Harry Reid (D-NV) engaged in sexual intercourse with Sen. Mitch McConnell’s (R-KY) then-wife, Sherrill.

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I guess you could say I have always had a love affair with the written word. The simple, solitary act of contemplating the white expanse of the blank page, and then putting pen to paper and seeing where the words take me, is my one constant solace in an o…

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WASHINGTON—Announcing that it would no longer allow Americans to fall behind, the Federal Communications Commission introduced a plan Monday to levy steep fines on anyone failing to keep up with the nation’s TV shows.

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